here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
