when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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