another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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