i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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