Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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