he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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