I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
