Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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