I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
