70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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