Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
