Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
