im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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