took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
