the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
