I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
