just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
