Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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