I wish I could punch you in the face.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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