I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize