Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
