Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
