I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
