Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
