it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
home. puking in laundry basket.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
