I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
