I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
