Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
