My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
