I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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