you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
