I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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