Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
