I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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