He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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