my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
