Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
