I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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