i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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