my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
