ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
