I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
