i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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