Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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