i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
