she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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