So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
