Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
