i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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