i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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