Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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