based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
