I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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