There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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