Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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