There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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