My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i love accidental penises.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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