I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
even my farts smell like vagina
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize