I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
