here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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