Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize