It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
