I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
