I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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